Why would a woman stay in a relationship with a guy who puts her down, hems her in, and perhaps even physically abuses her? Why would a woman hold down two jobs to keep the rent paid and food on the table while her boyfriend sits around smoking weed all day? Why oh why would a woman allow herself to be emotionally blackmailed by her boyfriend’s threats that he will kill himself or her or both if she even talks about leaving a relationship that is going nowhere?

There’s no easy answer. Often it’s a complicated mix of a number of answers. If you wonder why on earth you stay with the guy who keeps hurting you in spite of promises to do better, in spite of protestations that he loves you, in spite of your obvious distress about how things are going, see if you recognize yourself in any of these common reasons.

But please be careful not to jump to conclusions based on a list. It’s not at all uncommon for relationships to have some challenging times. Reasons for staying become problems when they become excuses or ways we fool ourselves into believing that things aren’t that bad when in fact they are. If you keep getting hurt; if you know in your heart that the relationship is diminishing you but you still keep going back for more, it may be time for you to get into therapy or to find the resources in your community that help women extricate themselves from a controlling or abusive relationship.

8 Bad Reasons Women Stay in Painful Relationships

1. Because being someone’s everything is intoxicating stuff – at least at first. When you met, he only had eyes for you. He called to say good morning. He called to say “I love you” at lunch. He wanted to be the last voice you heard before you went to sleep. When you left work or your last class for the day, there he was - waiting for you. If another guy even looked at you, he put his arm protectively around you. If a guy friend called you up, he pouted. He wanted all your attention. In exchange, he gave you attention as no one ever had before. He wined you and dined you (or at least took you out for pizza and a beer several times a week) and made you feel like a princess. Sounds like any romantic beginning, doesn’t it?

   If your guy is so insecure that he needs control, his attention gradually became claustrophobic. Over time, his demands for all your attention all the time hemmed you in. You found yourself frantically explaining your every move that didn’t involve him. Staying a bit late for work, a girls’ night out, even a visit to your mother on a Saturday morning became grounds for a fight. What started out as wonderful attention became not so wonderful control.

2. Because these guys can be absolutely charming. You didn’t fall in love with your boyfriend for no good reason. He can be charming. He can be romantic. He can say the things that every woman would like to hear. Sometimes he lets you see a sweet vulnerability that melts your heart. He seems to feel genuinely terrible after the two of you have had a big fight. He brings apologies and flowers. He promises he’ll be less jealous. He says you really are his everything. Lovemaking at times like these is delicious. He says all the right things to make you want to give him another chance. Things are wonderful for awhile. But then it starts all over again. You come home a little late and his eyes look stormy. You make a phone call and he has to know just who you’re talking to. Pretty soon, you’re feeling hemmed in again and you know that there’s going to be another blow-out…
3. Because you don’t feel you deserve any better. Maybe you grew up in a family where you were told that you were no good, ugly, clumsy, or incompetent. Maybe your father or mother even told you “No one will ever love you.” Perhaps you were an ugly duckling in high school who never had a date or you were never accepted by the people you wished were your friends. Maybe you’ve had a series of disastrous relationships or no relationships at all. Your self-esteem is in the cellar. Even though a part of you knows that your family should have treated you better; even though you understand that high school is harsh for a lot of people, there’s an even bigger part of you that feels that maybe all the people who rejected you were right - you really are a loser. You’ve become convinced you should be grateful for any smidgen of caring your boyfriend provides - even if it is painful.
4. Because you don’t know any better. All the women you grew up with were in abusive, difficult relationships. All your girlfriends complain about men who don’t do their share and who stopped being “Mr. Wonderful” long ago. Lacking role models for positive, loving relationships, you think good relationships only happen in the movies. Although you can agree in theory that women deserve to be treated with consideration and respect by the men who love them, you’ve never seen such a relationship up close and personal.
5. Because he scares you or manipulates you. There are men who aren’t a bit subtle about their need for control. Try to leave and they threaten to hurt you or your kids or other people you care about. He may have even grabbed you too hard or hit you or locked you in a room or waved a gun around. When he goes into a rage, there’s no telling what he might do. So you do everything you can to prevent it – including staying.

   The manipulators are equally effective in trapping their women. They say they will commit suicide if you leave – and it will be all your fault. They are masters at making you feel guilty even when you don’t have a clue what you are guilty for. Fights inevitably shift to all the things you’ve done wrong – or at least wronger than him. You end up staying to make amends and make it right or because you can’t bear the idea of living with the guilt if he hurts himself.

6. Because you truly believe you can change him. Because the relationship started out so wonderfully and because he can be so terrific after a fight, you hold onto the idea that you can bring out the best in him. All you have to do is find the right words and behave in the right way, and you’ll have the man of your dreams. Love conquers all, right? Wrong. No one can make another person be anything. He has to want it. He has to be willing to work on it. He has to want to change because it will make him a better person, not because he made an insincere promise in order to make up after a fight. Even though you know all this, you convince yourself that you’re an exception. You’re going to find a way.
7. Because you are more afraid of being alone again than of being in a painful relationship. You’ve been alone and it’s lonely. You want someone to talk to in the evening, to cuddle up to at night, to at least once in awhile take the kids. Even picking up his laundry, cooking meals he doesn’t appreciate, and fighting with him is more appealing than coming home to an empty house. If he does help pay the bills and do a few chores (and especially if he pays most of the bills and can be counted on to do some of the heavy work), it’s even harder to think about going it alone. Supporting a family and doing everything to maintain a household as a single person is really, really hard. Maintaining the fiction that you have a partner feels better than dealing with the reality of going it alone.
8. Because you love him. The most common answer I get when I ask women why they stay in bad relationships is “because I love him.” Love isn’t always rational, it’s true. There’s no accounting for chemistry. But the fact is that love, especially one-sided love, isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. It’s like one hand clapping.

If you are always on the giving end in the relationship; if you’ve accepted indifference, abuse, or manipulation because you don’t believe you deserve or can get better, it’s time to take charge of your life and to make some changes. If your guy will agree, try out couples therapy. Couples can and do change with commitment to the process and love for each other. If your boyfriend won’t join you in the project, get some therapy for yourself. Build up your self-esteem, develop the skills you need to be successful in the world, and increase your confidence in yourself. A stronger you will be able to hold out for the loving relationship that you deserve.

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 My Story

by Julie Fast  www.bipolarhappens.com

As many you know, after three years of constant medications from 1995-1998, I gained over 80 pounds. I don't know the exact amount because after a certain point I was so profoundly depressed and upset by this weight gain that I stopped getting on the scale. I simply had an out of control appetite for three years. I couldn't stop. I know I weighed over 250 in 1998.

I asked for help from the doctors and the only reply I received was, "We will deal with the weight gain when the mood swings are under control."  I was so naïve back then. I thought I had to only LISTEN to doctors. I know now that I have to WORK with doctors as a team. There is a lot more awareness today regarding the potential for weight gain, but as the medications haven't changed much, knowledge is not enough to deal with the problem.  Gaining or losing too much weight needs to be addressed from the minute a person starts bipolar disorder drugs, especially as many of the mood stabilizers and antipsychotics used to treat bipolar disorder cause well documented weight gain.

No one seems to be quite sure why people gain weight on medications.

The main reason seems to be that drugs themselves cause weight gain that is completely separate from a person’s diet and exercise level. This is especially true with antipsychotics where the weight goes to the belly area and is related to insulin and a diabetes risk. I know from a great deal of experience that some drugs used to treat bipolar disorder stimulate the hunger portion of the brain to the point that we no longer have a good sense of when we are full. (This is now backed with emerging research.) I have also had food hallucinations when I'm on certain meds. I actually hear voices that say, "You are going to eat until you are sick." No kidding! On the other side, a friend of mine took an anti depressant and AHDH medication and he has lost almost all of his body fat. Hey! Why didn't that happen to me! I should note that he has depression and not bipolar disorder. We tend to gain more weight.

I'm always amazed at how quickly my appetite changes when I take medications.

I sometimes take an anti psychotic when the psychosis gets bad and within hours I'm craving junk. I crave it like I'm starving. I get images of cake, cookies, ice cream and candy. I think about it and fantasize about it. I want to eat big spaghetti dinners with a lot of bread and could literally drink Coke at every meal. 

 My friend Sherri, who is obviously much healthier food wise than I am, once ate a can of garbanzo beans late at night- right out of the can! She takes Zyprexa.

 It's almost exactly like the food cravings caused by marijuana. (Before anyone writes me, I don't use marijuana to treat bipolar disorder. It messes up the brain and I can't risk that but I did use marijuana before I was diagnosed.) It's an odd phenomenon. I also remember taking Prozac in the 90's- (this was before doctors realized that no one with bipolar disorder should take an anti depressant without extensive questioning from an experienced mental health professional beforehand) and my appetite was simply gone. I used to walk into the kitchen and the thought of eating made me feel nauseas.

I've lost a lot of the weight I gained in the 90's. It hasn't been easy. I've found that consistent exercise with a lot of weight training and walking is the best way to keep my body healthy, but it has not been effective for weight loss unless I combine it with dietary changes. I know that if I approach losing weight as something I HAVE to do, I will rebel and eat junk just to feel better. Instead, I approach it as just another tool to add to my Health Cards. If I see eating healthy as a way to reducing weight gains caused by meds, I am more likely to think before I put a lot of junk in my mouth. I know that eating sugar is not my best food choice. I would eat it for every meal if I let myself.  I'm lucky now that I don't need to take the meds that cause so much weight gain, but I still have to deal with the weight I gained so long ago. It's crazy!

This Doesn't Always Work

A friend of mine has been on Zyprexa for a year. It has saved her life. She stays out of the hospital and is able to work more consistently. The problem is that she gained 30 pounds the first three months she was on the Zyprexa. She didn't change her eating and often walked miles a day and she still gained the weight and can't keep it off. What can a person do? Luckily the weight gain stopped at 30 pounds. Mine just kept on going. Our bodies are so different. She and I talked a lot about her dilemma. Her clothes no longer fit at all. She is depressed about the weight gain and she wants to stop the med. But her doctor doesn't think she is stable enough. When she lowers the Zyprexa, she starts to get psychotic again.

It's so unfair. She made a decision to stay on the Zyprexa despite the weight gain. It's all about weighing options. Weighing options- get it!

Her goal was to switch from the Zyprexa to Abilify as it has few weight gain problems. Unfortunately, it didn’t work as well as the Zyprexa.  I'm just so thankful she's stable and of course her weight gain has no bearing on our friendship. Her partner is okay with it as well, but that is not much of a help when you can't wear your clothes and don’t like to look at yourself in the mirror! But you can adapt.
 

I can joke that I wish I could take a medication that made me lose weight, but if you're thin already this can truly be a problem. Often the restless energy caused by meds takes your appetite or you simply lose all desire and pleasure in eating. If you're in this situation, you have to treat eating as a task instead of waiting to be hungry. Even if the thought of eating makes you feel sick. Some meds can cause a drug induced anorexia feeling. So this is serious stuff. Remember, you don't have to want to eat in order to eat. Eat foods with a higher fat content. Eat yogurt and good cheese. Have some meat. Eat tortillas and tofu. Apples and bananas are good fillers. If you're stacking on carrots and celery, low fat foods or junk, your body will literally just burn it up. For you, eating has to be scheduled and required.

Walk. This is absolutely the best way to stay healthy and get the sunlight your brain needs. As you read this, maybe you're thinking- gosh, I'm so tired of reading all this information on how I need to walk. I don't have energy to walk! Well, guess what. You will definitely gain weight if you don't exercise when you're on weight gaining meds.

You can join a walking group if you won't walk alone. Make it something you want to do, not something you have to do. In the US there is a program called USA Fit. It starts in the spring and teaches people how to walk a marathon. I'm sure that no matter where you live, there are places to walk and people to walk with. This really can make a difference with bipolar disorder. Many people never start a walking program because they are waiting for the DESIRE to walk. The truth is you don't have to want to do something in order to do it. Depression will tell you it's pointless anyway. You simply have to say to yourself, I am going to walk and then wait for the good feelings that come regarding your body after the walk is over.

- Hire a trainer.

- Eat a protein breakfast or skip breakfast!

- Talk to your Health Care Professional about changing your meds:

If I can go from an overmedicated, sick and despondent 250+  pound woman to someone who is at least healthy, alive and kicking and getting on with her life, you can do it as well. Give it time. This has been a seven year odyssey for me. The Health Cards gave me my life back, but now I have to use them daily to stay well. This means I can take less meds. I still get into the why me? Mode. But the reality is that my life is about managing bipolar disorder. This is an everyday process. I don't get a break. This goes for my eating as well. Do you sometimes feel it's too hard to deal with all of this? Well, you are not alone. It is very hard, but it can be done. And like me, you can be in a different place regarding your weight next year than you are now.

Julie Fast
www.bipolarhappens.com

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 Holidays are supposed to be such a wonderful experience. Television tells us this all of the time!
And yet for those of us with bipolar disorder- as well as those who love us- holidays can be very
stressful and ultimately unsatisfying for many reasons. This newsletter will cover some of the potential problems you may face in the next few months and then offer suggestions to help you manage and ultimately create a stable and loving environment so that you truly can experience the rewards of the holiday season.

STAYING WELL DURING THE HOLIDAYS

I guess the holidays sneak up on all of us no matter what part of the world we live in. In the states, we are getting
ready for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, and much more. It can be a very, very stressful time. Suicide is at its peak in the holiday season as well - while the excitement and travel associated with the holidays can send a person into mania overnight.

The Holiday Rush

Now is the time to get ready for the holiday rush. So many people with bipolar disorder either become overly stressed, irritated or manic from all the seasonal requirements or severely depressed during this 'cheerful' season. Let's make this year different. You can create a plan now for dealing with the holidays before the decorations and obligations take over your life and make you sick.

Think Ahead

What are your plans for the holidays? Have you thought about how the next months will affect your bipolar disorder symptoms? Maybe now is a good time to think seriously about what you need to do in order to stay healthy and stable during this frantic time.

The first step is to check in and determine how you currently feel:

- How are you doing right now?
- Where is your bipolar disorder on a scale from 1-10?
- Are you stable?
- Is there an upcoming event that causes anxiety just thinking about it?

Sometimes we get so caught up in life that our symptoms creep up on us and we're soon too sick to do anything.


Family and Friends Are Affected As Well

If you're a friend or family member of someone with bipolar disorder, you can ask yourself the same questions. How is my loved one? Is she stable? Is he doing too much? What can I do to make things easier? Does the person I love go through a tough period because of t he holidays? How can I help this year?

You Already Have the Tools

The good news is that learning to stop bipolar disorder mood swings is not always about learning something new. It's often about stopping something you're already doing. This is a simple way to get some stability in your life before the hectic holiday season starts. Personally, I'm going to do absolutely
as little as possible this holiday season. I will go to friends' houses and let them cook! I'm creating checks and balances now that will make sure that my time with friends and family over the holidays will be
relaxed and fun. I no longer buy presents and am very careful to be ready for family stress.

What Can You Do Now?

Is there anything you can stop now in order to prevent bipolar disorder mood swings over the holidays? Have you thought of what's coming up and how you will deal with the shopping, food and family obligations? It may b e a good time to add a holiday card to your Health Cards or ask someone for help in planning events. It's also a good time to reread any of my books you may have! If you're already depressed, you have to treat depression first and then get ready for the holidays. Waiting for the
holidays to make you feel better may not work as well as you would like it to. But feeling better before
the holidays will make a difference.


Tips for Staying Stable

Mania, anxiety and depression are serious problems during the holidays. It's important that you're ready with a plan before the symptoms start.

* Be very careful about sleep changes due to travel. Time changes are triggers of bipolar mood swings and we all have to be careful when we travel . One secret is to start the time change weeks before you actually leave. For example, if I'm traveling to a place with an eight hour time change, I will slowly make the change in the weeks before I leave so that I'm on the destination's schedule before I even get on the plane. This can prevent the mood swings that can really wreck vacations.


* Holiday parties are fun, but they sure are stimulating. There's lot of fun food and alcohol and many people see it as a time to let go. This can be over stimulating for those of us with bipolar disorder. You need to think carefully of what you can and can't do. Start to think now about the checks and balances you can set up in order to stay well. For example, limit the alcohol and junk food, go to the parties but leave early if you have to, and ask for help from friends and family.


* Say no without guilt. I really mean this. Just say no if you know that something is going to make you ill. Remember, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone and if cooking a holiday turkey (or whatever special holiday dinner you have in your country) is too much for you, then just say no. If decorating the house for the holidays is too much, then don't do it. You really do have the final say on what you do and don't do. Take advantage of this power and SAY NO! This may break a tradition at first, but if you explain the reasons, people often understand- at least they will when you do the same the next year!


* Families! Well, it can be pretty stressful for families during the holidays. Take your Health Cards with
you to family gatherings and use this time as a way to introduce your family to your management plan. Make a decision before you go to any get-together that you absolutely will not get into stressful discussions no matter how hard someone baits you. Picture yourself walking away and then do it if and when things get heated. Another solution is to have a holiday season away from your family. You have so many more choices than you think you have. Always make the choice that keeps you healthy. If you do find yourself in a contentious situation and you start to cry or have a panic attack, remove yourself from the situation and do everything you can to get back on track and join the party again.


* Spending is such a big issue during the holidays. When I first started using the Health Cards it became very obvious that the emphasis on spending had ruined the holidays for me. So I made a decision- I stopped giving presents completely and asked others not to give me presents. The relief was enormous and the holiday time became about family and friends again instead of rushing around in over stimulating shopping malls buying things that no one needed any way. I read a book called 'Unplug the Christmas Machine' and stopped seeing Christmas as a spending orgy and decided it was more about family. If you are religious, then this may be a good time to rediscover what the holidays mean to you outside of shopping. Whether it's Christmas, Hanukkah or the particular holiday your country celebrates, try to make this year the year you change the focus from things to people. It's a lot less stressful and very
few people ever became manic from a family hug! Believe it or not, just reading what I wrote here
makes me feel a little stressed. The holidays really can be overwhelming. I'm glad I'm thinking ahead.

* Try the daily check in. At a certain time every day, check in and ask yourself how you are on a scale of one to ten. This can help you slow down and see if a mood swing is starting. If you feel a symptom, go to the Health Cards and look in the What I Can Do column and stop the swing before it goes too far. I often set the beeper on my watch t o remind me to do a check in during stressful times.


* Loneliness. I've had quite a few letters from people who say they are very lonely during the holidays as bipolar disorder has taken most of their friendships. This is often a reality of this illness. As many of you know, I also lost most of my friends when I was ill. There are many things you can do to make these holidays less lonely, but over all I still suggest that working on becoming a good friend by stabilizing your bipolar disorder with the Health Cards is the first step in taking care of the problem. Here are some suggestions for making the holidays happy and fun when you're lonely:

- Volunteer to help others on the major holidays. Believe me, people in a homeless shelter, battered women's shelter, youth home, or hospital would love your company. Make it a goal to help others this holiday season and make sure you do the following: Don't talk about your problems and your illness when yo u do this work. This puts people off and is a barrier to new friendship. Try to get outside of this illness and be the real you. Listen to what others have to say and get interested in something besides your own mood swings. And yes, you can get out and do things even when you're depressed.

- If you have the money, go to a singles event for the holidays. Go there with the idea of making friends and being social. Make it a goal to listen to others and hear about their lives. Keep talk of yourself to a minimum and work on listening to what other people have to say. I emphasize the listening part because I know that when I was sick and lonely, I tended to talk about my problems constantly instead of
opening myself to learning about other people.

- Get back in touch with any family members you may have alienated when you were ill. Tell them about the Health Cards and ask them to work with you. It never hurts to try.

- Make it a goal that b y this time next year you will be healthy and stable enough to have strong and loving friendships. Do the work on yourself now so that you don't have to be lonely during the holidays ever again. If I can do it, you can do it too.


No matter what, if the holidays are important to you and you don't have any plans - now is the time to make plans. You don't want to be alone and depressed when everyone on TV is having so much fun. I've been through this and it's not nice. There is always somewhere to go and someone to see if you
plan far enough in advance. If you're already having suicidal thoughts, it's time to do something about them before they take over completely. Use the Health Cards, go see your doctor and get some help.
As you have heard me say many times, suicidal thoughts are a normal part of bipolar disorder but they have to be treated quickly and effectively so that you can get back to your normal life.

There is an event group throughout the United States called www.meetin.org. This group offers events throughout the holidays. The group is expanding to other countries as well. I have been a member for over a year and love it. You can also look for groups and events on www.craigslist.org.


*Think about the holidays before you simply rush into them.*


Start Your Plan Now

Hopefully these tips will help you to stop and take a look at yourself today, before the mad rush begins. This is the time of year I tell people with bipolar disorder to watch their stress levels very carefully. It
really is ok to say no to people and events if it means you can spend stable quality time with the people you love. Think about the holidays now and create a plan. That is what I'm going to do. I know you can do it as well. Make this a time to appreciate what you have and how far you have come, despite bipolar disorder. The holidays are not only about gifts or dinner parties, they are about people. And the best gift you can give anyone is your own health.

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The Full Package is perfect for spouses, parents, siblings, Health Care Providers, friends, family and of course, your loved one with bipolar disorder. Were so sure that this package provides you with what you need to manage bipolar disorder that we have added no hidden costs or fees in our payment plan. You can visit the web site
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Happy Holidays!
 

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Actress Glenn Close talks about her personal interest in mental health

www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3032619/vp/33625678#3362567

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Sleep Issues

Regulate Your Sleep
To sleep, perchance to dream.............

Sleep is taken for granted by many people- but not for those of us with bipolar disorder! If you're the partner or parent of someone with bipolar disorder, you've certainly seen the problems we all have. The illness truly can cause TONS of sleep issues - some of these issues are caused by the illness, while others are controlled by the person with the illness. It's a pretty vicious cycle. The good news is that with just a few tips you can dramatically improve your sleep situation. It takes a lot of observation and sacrifice, but it can be done.


The Chicken and the Egg- is it you or is it bipolar disorder?


One of the main obstacles a person with bipolar disorder faces is the chicken and egg nature of the illness. If you can't sleep at night, is that because you're manic, wired from medications or is it a reaction to a decision you made the day before that affected your brain chemicals? These are important questions. There are two steps you will need to take to stop the chicken from laying the egg that created the chicken that.....: You will have to manage the illness successfully so that the mood swings reduce and don't affect your sleep as strongly and then identify, monitor and ultimately stop your own behaviors that cause sleep problems. I have many tips on how to reduce mood swings in my books. This newsletter will cover personal behaviors that cause sleep issues as they are easier to change! And of course, as you do this, the bipolar gets better and you really are managing bipolar disorder more successfully which leads to regulated sleep! This is a sweet, non vicious cycle ;)

What is Regulated Sleep?

When you go to sleep easily, sleep and dream deeply and wake up refreshed on a set schedule every night, you're experiencing regulated sleep. (How often do you get to experience this!) This type of sleep lets the brain send out the chemicals that control emotions on a set schedule. To put it simply, regulated sleep stabilizes the brain chemicals that control emotions. So, it makes a lot of sense that the more regulated sleep you can get, the more stable you can be.

The Role of Your Circadian Rhythm

Our bodies work on a 24 hour biological clock called a circadian rhythm. If you have bipolar disorder, this is a process you need to understand very clearly. The circadian rhythm of your body determines when you need sleep and when you need to wake. It is through this rhythm that your body knows when to start and stop certain chemicals such as serotonin. This is a natural clock- the problem is that busy lives often make it difficult for people without bipolar disorder to sleep according to their circadian rhythm. When you add bipolar disorder to the problem, disruptions to the cycle can be VERY destabilizing.

You Can Control Your Rhythm

The more you upset this rhythm by working odd hours, staying out late and partying, ignoring what you put in your body, cultivating stress, or watching upsetting tv before bed for example - the less likely you are to find stability. As you read this you may think, but I have to work these hours! I have to take care of my kids! I have to have coffee in the morning! Well, some of these behaviors may be exactly what you have to change in order to kick your circadian rhythm in gear so that you can sleep better and get your brain working more effectively.

Common Barriers to Regulated Sleep

- Shift work or work that upsets your sleep patterns such as an ever changing schedule
- Travel to different time zones
- Drugs and alcohol
- Medications
- Anything new- new baby, new job, loss of a job, new city, etc
- Caffeine!
- Stress
- Bright light before bed


This list is pretty endless isn't it! I could write 100 more barriers and still not get to them all - and yet everything on the list would have one thing in common- an upset circadian rhythm.


This newsletter will focus on three off the list: caffeine, stressful situations and bright light at night. Just working on these areas can improve your sleep immediately.

Sleep Stressor #1 Caffeine

Ah, as many of you know, I had a little iced coffee habit this summer due to the amazing coffee at the restaurant where I sit and write. I knew it was bad for me, but I kept thinking- just one more time and then I'll stop! I eventually had to stop when I realized the coffee that I drank in less than 15 minutes was literally affecting my sleep nightly. It was not worth it in any way. I have enough bipolar disorder sleep problems as it is- adding caffeine to the mix is just stupid. I have a friend who is a very no nonsense person. When I tell her about one of my bad habits, she very kindly and humorously says- "Well Julie! That's just stupid!" In other words, why on earth would I do something to undermine the work I do daily to stay stable?


Limit Your Caffeine!
My coauthor Dr. John Preston is on a caffeine awareness crusade. He suggests that a person with bipolar disorder limit caffeine consumption to 250 mg or less a day. Considering that a 12 oz Starbucks coffee has 260 mg- this can be a problem! (Decaf has about 10mg.) I started to drink iced tea when I went out. Then I realized that a few glasses of tea at 50mg a glass could cause problems as well. Is there no justice! Lucking I like decaf and it doesn't bother my sleep at all.


A New Caffeine Threat....
What is it? Energy drinks like Red Bull! People drink these sugary, caffeine drinks without thinking of their effect on mood swings. Red Bull has 80 mg of caffeine and lots of sugar. The combination is a brief high followed by a low. Just like a candy bar and a coffee. I've seen a lot of teenagers drinking energy drinks as they are considered cool. I like to be cool- but these days I prefer being stable.


It's your choice. Only you know if caffeine is disrupting your circadian rhythm and causing mood swings. I know that decaf is my only option if I want to curb anxiety and sleep better at night.


Sleep Stressor #2 Stress!

Stress is an outcome of a behavior - either yours or that of someone else. This means that 50% of stress is in your control! Over the years, I've systematically removed the major stressors that cause sleep trouble. I really limit going out for late nights. I know that if I stay out at karaoke past midnight I simply will not get to sleep. I still do this once in a while- but know I will have to take sleep meds. Staying out every night like I used to is simply impossible. I also worked on the relationships in my life that used to cause stress to the point that I went over the problems in my head when I tried to sleep. This was a process of course. Some of these people are family members. I can't change them, but I learned not to set up or walk into stress traps. For example, my brother and I love each other greatly, but I can't be in his life the way I would like to right now- it's too stressful. Fighting with him upsets me for hours- so I don't do it. It's the same with my mot her. There are things we discuss and things we don't. She loves me and I love her, but there is no reason for us to cause each other stress. Our whole family dynamic is so much better now and I think we all sleep better.


Work Stress
I can't work a 9-5 job. I realized this a long time ago. I can remember coming home from work after having trouble with a colleague and talking about it all evening and then not being able to sleep from worry. It's as though the conversation continued even when I was asleep. I can't do this anymore. It's a loss as I really want to work with other people. Does your work cause you so much stress that it affects your sleep? If this is the case, you have to decide what you can and can't change. You can make it a goal to sleep better at night no matter what it takes. For some it means changing jobs- especially if the hours are crazy. You have a lot more control over stress than you think. It's ok not to be passive and let the world make it hard for you to sleep.
If I have trouble getting to sleep, wake up at night or wake up too early in the morning and then sit there and get worried about a stressor in my life, I am going to change that stressor. My sleep is too important.


Sleep Stressor #3 Blue Light at Night

I recently met with a psychiatrist friend who is very interested in the effects of blue light on people with bipolar disorder. Apparently, certain parts of the light spectrum affect people in different ways. For a long time, the idea was that light in general was the culprit when it came to mania and agitation, but new research suggests that it might be the blue light alone that causes the problem. What is the biggest source of blue light in most American households? The television. If this blue light is stimulating, it makes sense that watching TV, DVDs and playing video games at night can over stimulate the brain and make it very difficult for you to get regulated sleep. He suggests wearing special blue light blocking glasses at night to block the blue light so that your circadian rhythm can kick in on a more natural schedule.

What! No TV!
As most of us don't have these glasses, the main solution to the problem is to stop exposure to blue light a few hours before bed. This means turning off the TV and reading, talking, doing crafts, family time, games, books on CD, writing or just relaxing as opposed to sitting in front of a television before going to bed. Hmm.. I've done it. I go to my room and read, write in my journal and listen to music. There is absolutely no question that this helps my sleep. The problem is that it feels a bit lonely and boring sometimes. It's always a trade off isn't it? Going out and meeting friends at karaoke versus going to bed early and waking up more refreshed. I've learned to compromise by going out, coming home earlier than I used to and then sitting in my room relaxing before I turn off the light. What will work for you?


Never Give Up!
There will always be situations where you can't control your sleep situation. I went to visit friends in a city a few hours away last weekend and ended up sleeping in two different beds as I moved around town. I didn't have my own pillow- it was too quiet- I was worried about being somewhere new, it was daylights saving time, etc. etc. I went into a down swing when I got home. I've decided that sleeping somewhere comfortable when I travel is the best way to insure that I have a good trip. This means a hotel room or planning ahead a bit more to find out my sleeping situation. It's that serious for me. What a bother- I want to have fun, but my body wants regular sleep. I want make the right sleep choices for the rest of my life as I don't want my life to be ruined by mood swings! I won't give up on regulated sleep- the more I learn about my body, the better choices I can make. You can do the same.

A Simple Goal
My goal is to help people throughout the world find a plan that works for them. If every person on this newsletter mailing list learns to manage this illness more effectively, it's a really great start. I use the Health Cards for Bipolar Disorder and the tips in my books to stay stable. All of my books have information for family and friends as well. Remember, educate yourself, take your meds, learn what works for you, teach others what you need and always know that bipolar disorder is a treatable illness. :)

 

Julie

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Straight Talk About Psychosis

I like to talk about psychosis- I want people to see that it has been around forever and that it's a very normal part of many mental illnesses, especially bipolar disorder- and yet it freaks people out. If you've ever been psychotic, it freaks you out too!

Here is a brief definition.

Psychosis is defined as a loss of contact or break with reality, which shows itself in a number of different ways including the following: paranoid thoughts- is someone talking about me, looking at me funny or following me? Hallucinations- where you see, hear or smell something that isn't there. Such as a rat running around a chair or hearing a voice that says, "Julie, you need to get out of this store!" Suicidal thought such as, 'Take that gun and kill yourself," are psychotic. I had my first psychotic thoughts in the form of hallucinations- when I got stressed and I was standing on a street corner- actually that doesn't sound too good- when I was waiting for a cross walk light- I saw myself walk into the street- and get hit by a car. My body would fly in the air and land right on the street in front of me. It scared me a lot. I used to call these visions 'death images' because I didn't know what they were. I thought everyone had them. I used to see a lot of dead bodies and severed hands when I walked in the woods too. That is just one symptom I had. These are all psychotic hallucinations.

Then there are delusions- where you have very unrealistic or even bizarre beliefs. I once drove by a beer commercial billboard and thought, "Is that a message for me? Did I do something wrong with that beer last night?' I would never drink that nasty beer anyway- but it seemed real. Psychosis is basically your brain going wonky- all of the chemicals and neurons that normally process information correctly start to process information both internally and externally falsely. What is hard to explain if you've never been psychotic is how real it feels. For example, when I get paranoid, I really believe it. Even if there is absolutely no information to prove that the feelings are real. Paranoia was always really bad for me in a classroom setting.

I've learned to manage my psychosis by keeping away from my triggers such as large groups, arguments and messing with my meds. I know the first signs that I'm getting sick and I talk myself out of it. If a voice tells me I have to leave somewhere, I say to myself, "Actually, I don't. That is just a voice and I'm not listening." I can work around it now- and I always know that when I get psychotic, I'm doing too much.

Mild psychosis can be self  treated and major psychosis can be prevented by knowing the signs it's starting and getting help immediately. This may sound unrealistic, considering how serious psychosis can get, but there is usually a treatment window.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Julie A. Fast,
best selling author of Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder and Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder and Get It Done When You're Depressed is a critically acclaimed six-time author, award winning bipolar disorder advice columnist, national speaker, and sought after expert in the fields of bipolar disorder and depression. Julie's work specializes in helping people manage all aspects of their daily lives -despite the complications that bipolar disorder creates. To learn how to personalize a plan to help yourself or a loved one find and create stability that ensures the quality of life that we all deserve, visit: BipolarHappens.com

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What is Schizoaffective Disorder?

Bipolar Disorder Symptoms + Schizophrenia Symptoms = Schizoaffective Disorder

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WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BIPOLAR I (ONE) AND BIPOLAR II (TWO)? 

It's often difficult to know the difference between the two main types of bipolar disorder. It can even be difficult for health care professionals to explain unless they have had special training on the topic. When you know the facts, you can see that the difference between the two is actually quite simple. 

Bipolar I and Bipolar II (two) have the exact same symptoms in terms of depression and both have mania. The difference between the two diagnoses is the type of mania a person experiences. Bipolar I (one) has full blown mania while Bipolar I has hypomania. 

What is the difference between full blown mania and hypomania you may wonder? The difference is intensity. 

Full blown mania if untreated usually leads to a hospital stay- especially if it's someone's first episode. This episode usually starts around the age of 20. The mania can start off mildly with a sense of creativity and then spin out of control very quickly. When my partner Ivan had his first full blown episode it started with agitation and confusion, then moved into a complete behavioral change as he started to talk more than usual and couldn't hold a coherent thought. The night before he went into the hospital, he wasn't able to remember how to write a check or even have a normal conversation. He was seemingly very creative, but it was agitated and not fun and very scattered. He talked over people and moved around very rapidly. His face looked different and he talked with a different voice. He had what is called dysphoric mania- in other words he didn't feel very well! This mania was accompanied by severe psychosis. 

Euphoric mania is the opposite of dysphoric mania. When it's full blown, it's very dangerous as it feels so good. The person almost always refuses help when they are really euphoric. When a person has euphoric mania, they feel no pain and have no reasoning ability- and most importantly, they can't see the consequences of their behaviors as they feel invincible. This is very, very dangerous mania as it can just seem like excessive enthusiasm, creativity and charisma from the outside. 

All full blown manias lead to disasters and most people go into a deep depression if medications are not used successfully. 

Hypomania

Hypomania is much less intense and doesn't put a person into the hospital. As with full blown mania, a person can have euphoric and dysphoric hypomania. Extreme psychosis is rare with hypomania- though it's common to have grandiose thoughts as well as negative thoughts. I get euphoric mania at the beginning of my hypomanias. Nothing feels as good as euphoric mania- absolutely nothing- but I always do something stupid and I always crash. I work very hard at preventing hypomania. 

As I say in my book Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder, it's essential that you have a distinct diagnosis of either Bipolar I or Bipolar II as the treatments for the two can be quite different! You have to know if you have full blown mania or hypomania. No matter what form you have, the mania is serious- you can make horrible and life altering decisions when you're full blown manic or even hypomanic. Prevention is the only way to make sure this doesn't happen. 

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Borderline Relationship Recovery 101

Whether you have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or love someone who does, one of the enormous benefits we derive from recovery is improving our relationships.

In my coaching practice, I'd say difficulties with relationships are the number one reason why folks voluntarily seek counsel and guidance. When I see strained, chaotic interactions morph into calm, cooperative, and mutually supportive partnerships, well...it is one of the most joyous things I get to experience. 

If it is your desire to have meaningful, fulfilling relationships, you can have them. You can even repair mistakes you made before you knew better.

And there are also times when those you wish to be close to have other plans, and just aren't interested in working on the relationship.

To be certain, the hardest relationships to rebuild are those where there is no longer any contact. But even in those circumstances, there are things you can do. Here are my top ten things to do to improve/win back/find the relationship you want:

1. Learn to tolerate distress a little better. Some conflict and difficult circumstances and discussions are a part of a normal, healthy relationship. If you can keep that in perspective, and not blow them up further, then these occurrences will just come and go. They can also serve as a time to develop intimacy, problem solve, and to learn to trust and support one another more.

2. Work on your sense of self worth. Other than learning how to tolerate distress, there is nothing that has improved my relationships more than this one. Why? Because now that I have a strong sense of who I am, I am not nearly as bothered that someone may be judging, leaving or criticizing me when they offer their perspective. I value (for the most part!) others input, can consider it, but it does not have to define me or my worth.

3. Improve your validation skills. Validating is a communication skill where you non-judgmentally listen to someone and let them know that their experience is real and understandable. This does not mean you agree with their position. This skill is very helpful in de-escalating strong emotions in another, and in delivering an assertive request, or denial to a request.

4. Ask yourself, "so what?" Is being right, or having things done perfectly really worth losing the relationship? Really? If it is, then go ahead and assert yourself. But the next time a task isn't done exactly right, ask yourself, "so what?" Is it really that important?

5. Learn how to skillfully ask for your own needs to be met. This requires skill in balancing your request with firmness and gentleness, being clear, and making it about you, not their deficiencies. Being able to clearly articulate the reward to them for granting your request is also very important.

6. Practice saying "no." Actually, being able to say "no" without apology can help strengthen your relationship. You will feel stronger and more satisfied, and your partner will feel like they can count on you to do the right thing, no matter how much they push against you.

7. Experience gratitude and show it. Make lists of the things you value and appreciate about those you love and express your gratitude to them for these specific things often. Very often.

8. Learn how to be a giving person. This is very different than being a resentful door-mat. What I am talking about is being able to observe needs in others, and meet them without being asked, and without expecting something specific in return. And also be a vessel to receive love.

9. Appreciate differences. We were made to be inter-dependent with others. Those of us with BPD really love being in relationships and are not usually made to be "an island unto ourselves." Celebrate this fact, and celebrate that we do really complete one another. Show this by liberally allowing others to make their own choices and be their own selves, and reap the rewards of the wonderful new things they bring to our lives.

10. Practice compassion and take a non-judgmental stance with others. If you really have these two things down, then true recovery is yours.

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Preventing Mania

 

The Bipolarhappens Website
 

Develop your plan and create peace of mind. 

The Health Cards Treatment System gives everyone involved the tools needed to educate and create an action plan for you and your loved ones.

You can learn to manage your life with bipolar disorder. 

Medications alone are not enough.

More about the Health Cards
System Here

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Julie A. Fast
best selling author of Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder and Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder and Get It Done When You're Depressed is a critically acclaimed six-time author, award winning bipolar disorder advice columnist, national speaker, and sought after expert in the fields of bipolar disorder and depression. Julie's work specializes in helping people manage all aspects of their daily lives -despite the complications that bipolar disorder creates. To learn how to personalize a plan to help yourself or a loved one find and create stability that ensures the quality of life that we all deserve, visit: BipolarHappens.com

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Knowledge about bipolar disorder

Did you know this  information? It's essential that we educate ourselves on every part of bipolar disorder. This is how we can make sure we, or someone we care about gets the best treatment. Knowledge about bipolar disorder is power over the illness!

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